My Worst Fear

Last night, I had one of the worst nightmares of my entire life. I don’t know why I keep having such horrible dreams, but this one woke me up in the middle of the night, soaked in a cold sweat. I remember falling asleep thinking about this terrible news story involving a couple of kids who were killed in a car accident . . . maybe that’s what brought on the dream.

Thank goodness I don’t already have children. That’s what I kept telling myself as I tried to calm down. I don’t know where the dream started, but the first thing I can remember is buckling two little girls into their car seats in the back of a minivan. First of all, I don’t even drive a minivan, so that was strange to me, even in the dream I thought it was strange. 

We’re driving to the zoo, and I look behind me to tell these little girls, who I somehow know are my daughters, that we’re going to see the monkeys. Suddenly, we’re struck in a head-on auto collision and I watch in slow motion as the girls slip out of their car seats and head straight through the windshield while I’m cemented to my seat. The minivan flips over a couple of times with me inside and lands upside down. I have no idea where my girls are and I’m paralyzed with fear. 

I crawl over broken glass, hands bloodied, to get out of the car through the broken windshield and find both girls sprawled out on the pavement. I opened my mouth to scream, and that’s when I woke up. 

Analysis

I honestly think that watching that news story before I went to bed is what triggered my dream of the accident happening, but I also did a little bit of Googling and found that I might be harboring some guilt over something that has happened in my life. I have an idea of what that might be, but it has nothing to do with car accidents, so that caught me by surprise. 

What was more telling was that I had daughters in the dream. My infertility diagnosis two years ago and my following divorce could have manifested in my nightmares as my children dying. I suppose that makes some sense, but I don’t think I can let go of the dream of having children one day, despite my diagnosis. 

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